So, guess who invented swearing under your breath? It was parents trying to potty train their kids. But don’t forget that even you learned where not to sh*t; so too can your little hellion or angel.

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Ok, so this is a success story, four kids out of diapers, two to go. Here are some tips I’ve picked up along the way.

As with most things in parenting the first child is the hardest to train. This is not always the case but often it is. This is for two reasons; YOU have a lot to learn and your kid doesn’t have any half pint senior resident sibling example to learn from.

That being said, let’s begin:

First, each kid is different. This is kind of basic but if this is your first kid then you need to remember this one lesson: your sister’s, Great Aunt’s, cousin’s, best friend’s techniques most likely will not lead to  success with your child when it comes to potty training. Your child is unique, special, and hopefully intelligent for that sort of thing tends to help so long as they and you have a little patience.

Second, remember who is being trained. The whole idea of potty training gets some parents so excited that they run their little one to the toilet so often that they become thrilled when they’ve a little seeming success. But truth be told the child has trained them to run to the loo every fifteen minutes. Don’t be this parent for this behavior just leads to frustration.

Puppies and your boss

Thirdly, puppies and your boss. I seem to often come back to puppies when discussing children. Here is the reason: it’s quite simple really and it’s because children are so very much like puppies. The best manual on how to potty train a child is the same one used when training a puppy. Don’t worry, I’m not suggesting having little Jonny or Susie mess on a pad in the corner but I think you’ll get the idea soon enough. Kids and puppies are full of love. They are itching to run, play, learn, snuggle and make messes. But you MUST remember that they are NOT little adults or well behaved dogs; they are monsters, full of energy. Have you ever trained a monster? This is how it’s done: Gently. Gently and with kindness. Have you ever had an asshole for a boss who came down on you for every mistake? I recon you have. Imagine yourself the boss: the trainer and your child as the employee. Now think of the scolded puppy. Those big sad eyes. We do not want our children to wish to hide under the coffee table at our expense. A little shit is not worth a relationship with a puppy or a child.

Now that you recall that first mistake you made under a scrutinizing boss. Do you recall the second one? The fear in your eyes must have been bleedingly apparent as the grovel came down and crushed your confidence once more. A little piss in the pants is not worth making your child feel crushed.

Patience.

Patience. We all need it whether as an employee, a puppy or as a child trying to learn to mater the control of developing muscles that have, for their ENTIRE life, been on auto pilot. Just think about that. Did the child run a marathon on the day they learned to walk? No, they had to learn and practice and develop their muscles in order to walk at all and that process took time. Give them that time to potty train as you did to learn to walk. And remember that threats, bribery, stickers, and rewards can’t speed up the development of muscles. Some children cannot master control as fast as others and not for a lack of effort or will. They aren’t trying to spite you. They want to make you happy, they seek your approval.

Encouragement:

Puppies and children learn fastest through encouragement and praise. Belittling and punishment for mistakes only causes resentment and hurt feelings in both directions. We mustn’t let our disappointment and impatience show. But it will show on occasion. When it does, I feel it is important to reinforce with love and positive encouragement. Even if it is forced it will end things on a better note than sadness and grief and hopelessness.  DO NOT FORGET that you have the power to change your mind. If you make a dumb parent mistake or give a punishment you regret, immediately say, “I changed my mind” and revise it. Parents are allowed to do that and it does not take away their credibility before their children. Instead it shows the parents reasoning power. And kids need to see that it is okay to make a choice and then revise it.

The truth

Here is the truth: Every parent fails at doing things the best way. I have, I still do. But I don’t scold myself and put myself down. Instead of crawling under the coffee table to hide from my wrongs I try to learn from them. As an adult I have no one but I to hold me accountable to learn from my parenting fails. Beating myself up doesn’t make me a better parent.

You can do this! You can make it through this period of training. Be assured that this cost, the messes, are worth it when you look back and count the spare bills in your wallet that don’t buy diapers anymore. I’m serious; you can do this and keep your dignity, your sanity and your love and your child’s love.

The Checklist.

There is no checklist to follow for each child is different. Once your child is ready then the encouragement of a chart or a prize might be the needed motivation to accomplish this great task. But remember that your little monster has feelings. Don’t be your child’s first asshole boss.

Bravery.

When your child is physically developed (ready) to potty train you have to be brave. Get them real underwear and prepare for a few accidents. Remember they have grown up playing, running and jumping in their own waste. They recognize that feeling, the feeling of wearing a diaper. What is foreign is wet cloth against their skin (unless you use cloth diapers and in that case you’re shit out of luck). This new feeling they wont like, I promise you. This will help them learn faster to not mess their clothes because they wont want to have that feeling. It really does make a difference. But BE BRAVE. And bring a few extra sets of clothes, plan for their mistakes as you would plan for your newborn to use diapers. Typically, once your child has real underwear the process doesn’t take too long… either that’s true or I’ve blocked out A LOT.

What Helps?

Breaking down what helps (this only applies after your child is ready):

• a training toilet
• real underwear
• patience
• a change of clothes
• an extra bottle of laundry detergent
• bravery
• the confidence to throw away some clothes… sometimes it’s just not worth it
• patience
• love
• positive reinforcement (stickers, candy, toys) DO NOT CONFUSE THIS WITH BRIBERY. IT IS NOT! This is positive reinforcement.. like giving Pavlov’s dogs a treat for the appropriate response/behavior
• more patience
• another change of clothes
• patience
• You get the idea.

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Moving/life changes: While potty training my first we moved and then moved. Each major move disrupted this process and set us back two steps. We’d moved one step forward and with each move two steps back. Being our first it was hard enough as it was. Be aware that major disruptions will very seriously disrupt their training.