The most important thing to successful parenting is choosing the right partner to have those kids with. You don’t want to do it alone. It’s hard, hard for you and hard for your kids; I grew up in such a home. But there is a way to increase your chances of having a lasting relationship/marriage.

This post is dedicated to two of my friends who are neither married, nor have kids of their own yet. I wish for you to find happiness in your relationships, to find the right relationship and then, after marriage, the fulfillment of parenting.

Books are written on this topic but I’ll do my best to keep this concise.

It is said that opposites attract. The reason that is said is because that is correct, they do. This is not necessarily the best thing though for a relationship. Yes, there are situations where people can complement one another in strengths and weaknesses but the majority of the time the opposite thing just leads to relationship conflict.

Here are some of the conflicts of personalities and opinions that I feel are crucial to consider because I’ve seen them cause the most conflict:

• morning person vs night owl
• introvert vs extrovert
• callous vs sympathetic
• lazy vs hardworking
• lenient vs stern
• neat vs messy
• reserved vs affectionate
• selfish vs selfless
• political vs indifferent
• generous vs stingy
• trusting vs jealous
• athletic vs lazy
• ambitious vs indifferent
• health conscious vs not health conscious
• religious vs agnostic
• wanting children vs not wanting children
• responsible vs irresponsible

This incomplete list is just a taste of things many people overlook when entering a relationship. From what I’ve seen most people start relationships based upon with physical attractiveness, common interests and common goals. It goes from there and the next thing you know wedding bells ring. Then the honey moon phase ends and the best behavior stops and the personality traits and personal flaws become apparent. However, if you’re on the same page for that whole list, then I feel you’re well on your way to a successful and lasting relationship.

It has also been said that three things bring about the most trouble in relationships; money, sex and children (you probably noticed that much of the list above deals with these three issues). I’ve never heard anyone give a good reason why these things cause such trouble (aside from the obvious) but from what I’ve seen, the root of most conflict in these areas and others, are personality differences. These differences determine perspective on situations. Different perspectives, such as parenting styles, lead to relationship conflict.

My recommendation: before settling down with the future father/mother of your kids, dig a little deeper with some logic about these opposites for there will you will eventually find your conflict. If you know that the one you’re with is NOT the one that you want to have kids with due to how they treat their mother, siblings or for any reason end the relationship as soon as possible. Dragging it out will delay your happiness and theirs and will only mean more pain when it does end.

It is my advice that you should tell “opposites attract” to screw off. Find someone who compliments your strengths, who encourages you to accomplish your dreams and who has earned your trust. Know them for a cycle before marrying them. This allows you to see them in all seasons and often allows their personality traits to become more evident. Personally, I think sex should wait till marriage as that can really screw up things emotionally and cause attachments which tend to perpetuate relationships that otherwise would cease and allow the two people to find better suited matches.

People do not change unless they choose to and when they choose to (which is very rare), that change is often very slow. Personality traits, like those bulleted above, almost NEVER change.

It is one thing to love someone despite of their short comings, but another to not fully trust someone because of those short comings. Trust is key to a successful relationship. Trust is very easily lost and very difficult to earn back.

One more thing. Your friends and family know you, in a lot of ways better than you know yourself. They also love you and want the best for you most of the time. Because of this I’m tempted to believe in arranged marriages. Who better to choose your best compliment than those who love you and know you the best? (but alas this is a topic for another place). My point here is that it is wise to take seriously the hesitations that these people who love you may have but also take those things with a grain of salt. You must have balance with taking advice and relying on your own intellect and feelings as well.

To conclude I’ll say it again: find someone the most like you, consider deeply the personality traits you two share and disagree on. Those will certainly affect your happiness and in-so-doing affect your ability to be a successful parent. Marry someone who encourages your dreams and does not put them down. Someone who makes you want to be a better person. Remember, you probably will never find a perfect match, a twin, but the more things in common, personality wise, the better off I believe you will be.