People often remark at how well behaved my kids are and sometimes ask me how I do it. I get comments at church, Wal-Mart and just about everywhere else I take the kids. I generally tell these people that “I beat them”, which is true. People seriously seem to have no idea to obtain a child’s respect or obedience. I’ll tell you how; it’s really not that hard.

These lessons (mostly common sense) not only apply to children but to adults too. In my line of work I’ve had to train many people to do a host of things. Here is the process I use: I tell them how to do it and then I show them how to do it and then I let them do it. And then I correct them on the finer points and let them practice. Done. Parenting is really no different but it gets emotional. Let me tell you about my oldest, Liam, who used to get really emotional in church…

My oldest, Liam, used to act out in church. He’d scream and throw things; have full out tantrums until I met his mother and straightened that boy out! I grew up seeing most parents simply take their kids out of the meeting and let them wander the halls when they acted out in the general church meeting. I, however, decided to not be most parents. I refused to reward Liam’s bad behavior by allowing him to have freedom and free reign after acting up in church. Instead I would take him out into the foyer, hold him in my lap and gently put my arms around him. I’d calmly tell him that he will have more freedom if he behaves in church. After two or three times of experiencing that he quickly learned the lesson; that good behavior was rewarded and bad behavior was restricting. The next two kids followed their older brother’s example and never acted out. Then Tommy came along. It was back to the foyer. Tommy was a bit more of a challenge. His will and personality was not easily tamed. But like a good lion tamer, after a few weeks I had him just where I wanted him; I had him making the choice to happily behave instead of the alternative. It is crucial that the child know that they have a choice in the matter. Thomas had the choice to act up and as a result be confined to a gentle bear hug or to not act up and quietly color and play during the church meetings. The choice was always his and the consequences were explained to him clearly in a manner his two-and-a-half year old self could easily understand.

Children need boundaries and they will constantly test those boundaries. These boundaries make them feel secure about their surroundings and their place in their world. It isn’t hard. Often I’ve seen parents be inconsistent with punishments, make empty threats and I’ve seen those kids walk all over those parents because they know that either the punishment will not fit the crime or that the punishment won’t even come at all! My kids know that when they misbehave they will not only be punished but will have explained to them why what they did was wrong and why they shouldn’t do what they did. My wife and I also try to make their punishments make sense. For example loosing tv privileges for Dan leaving his bike in the road doesn’t fit but losing the use of his bike the next day makes a whole lot more sense.

There is a program that educators and parents alike use to help improve children’s behavior. This program really does work and it’s called “1-2-3 Magic”. The program is very effective with kids 2-12 years of age. I’ve seen its principles take constantly misbehaving little miscreants and turn them into well behaved little people. The program (which every parent should listen to (it’s on CD) or read) teaches the basic principles of parenting and discipline; be loving, be firm, be logical, not to take their behavior personally. It also helps you understand why children behave the way they do. This combination of behavioral psychology and sociology paired with action truly works. Is the program perfect? No. Did I apply everything it taught? No (primarily because I was doing most of it already).

As a parent I try to know my kids and know how to reach them.

A friend of mine taught me an important parenting lesson years before I had kids of my own, “get to know your kids and then let them grow up”. I never forgot this advice and think of it often. We need to learn who our kids are, what makes them tick, why they react the way they do and then teach them the consequences of their actions. Then step back and allow them to learn from their choices. When kids have the consequences removed from their decisions by overzealous parents they learn nothing of themselves and their growth into adulthood is stunted. One of the ways to make a stupid adult is by removing childhood consequences. Yes, we all want to protect our kids but no, we simply can’t because it is simply not what is best for them.  Right in line with removing consequences is providing everything for our children. Without the opportunity to “test the waters” and “act like an adult” by making their own decisions and mistakes children don’t become decision making adults. They just remain spoiled brats who feel the world owes them favors. No teenager should be allowed to believe or have any sort of conception that they are entitled to any such special favors as new laptops or the latest iPhone without ever having to lift a finger for it. Those attitudes mostly come from parents doing too much. All of us know adults with attitudes like that and I would be so horribly embarrassed if any of my kids ever became such because that would only be my fault for not getting to know them and allowing them to grow up.

So yes, “beat your children” in this game of parenting. They make moves all the time that need correction and we need to be like good chess players and look a few moves ahead and react accordingly. We need to not crush them yet be on the opposing side. We need to, through our strategic moves, help them become winning teenagers and adults. They may lose a pawn here and there, such is life, let the pawn fall for the lesson learned will most likely save them a knight or bishop or other key player in the future. Please don’t allow your child to be over protected and become an adult full of attitudes of entitlement; beat them, I say, Beat Them!